carmensandiegoing-deactivated20 asked:

I am sad. I reeeeeally want to recommend this blog in the category of Historical, but I don't really think it "chronicles or recounts historical works or information." DOESN'T TUMBLR REALIZE THAT APPRECIATING THE SEXY THAT HAS SADLY LEFT THIS WORLD IS JUST AS IMPORTANT A HISTORICAL PURSUIT AS THOSE THINGS???

WOW! That’s really nice of you, and I appreciate your firm morals in not nominating inaccurately. But let’s take a look, shall we?

I would like to draw your attention to the definition of the word recount. According to my dashboard widget, it means “to tell someone about something.”

Look, I may not tell you a whole lot of “facts” or “dates” or use “reputable sources.” It’s mostly just innuendos. But I do certainly tell someone (you) about something (the important information that some historical people were hot).

So I would be honored to be nominated in the Historical category. (For the history purists out there, might you consider the Humor category?) And I will try to send some sexy ghosts your way in lieu of a thank you note.

Jack. Fucking. Johnson. As a truly magnificent boxer, he mashed men’s brains in on a regular basis. And I don’t know about you, but I am kind of turned on by mashed brains.
He also had a certain determination that I find quite attractive. He became the first African-American World Heavyweight Boxing Champion after following the current champion around the world for two years and harassing him in front of the press. Two years? That’s my kind of stamina. I’d like Jack Johnson to whip the Great White Hope with me for 15 rounds, if you know what I mean.

Jack. Fucking. Johnson. As a truly magnificent boxer, he mashed men’s brains in on a regular basis. And I don’t know about you, but I am kind of turned on by mashed brains.

He also had a certain determination that I find quite attractive. He became the first African-American World Heavyweight Boxing Champion after following the current champion around the world for two years and harassing him in front of the press. Two years? That’s my kind of stamina. I’d like Jack Johnson to whip the Great White Hope with me for 15 rounds, if you know what I mean.

Phineas Gage is a darling of neuropsychology. He’s famous because he was working on the railroad in 1848 when there was a huge explosion and a giant tamping rod shot through the side of his head and stuck out the other end and literally pulverized his frontal lobe, and he SURVIVED. For TWELVE MORE YEARS. That’s incredible. And what’s even more incredible is how hot he remained after the accident. Double damn.

Phineas Gage is a darling of neuropsychology. He’s famous because he was working on the railroad in 1848 when there was a huge explosion and a giant tamping rod shot through the side of his head and stuck out the other end and literally pulverized his frontal lobe, and he SURVIVED. For TWELVE MORE YEARS. That’s incredible. And what’s even more incredible is how hot he remained after the accident. Double damn.

William “Blackie” Zupkoski
The self proclaimed "Toughest Man in Philadelphia", who is so tough he doesn’t have a Wikipedia page, Zupkoski was sentenced to 70-140 years at Eastern State for over 40 counts of armed robbery. He was apprehended in 1927 following a shoot out with police in a local hospital. While at Eastern State Blackie continued his troublemaking ways. For example, he stabbed a man to death while in prison. In 1929. When the stock market collapsed. Coincidence? I think not.
Regardless, I totally wanna tap that. He looks so rakishly charming. Stabbing inmates, robbing banks, ripping off your clothes and pleasuring you like you’ve never been pleasured before, all in a days work. Just doing my job, ma’am.
And Zupkoski? Name like that, it makes you wonder what else he can do with his tongue. You know? Yeah, you know.

William “Blackie” Zupkoski

The self proclaimed "Toughest Man in Philadelphia", who is so tough he doesn’t have a Wikipedia page, Zupkoski was sentenced to 70-140 years at Eastern State for over 40 counts of armed robbery. He was apprehended in 1927 following a shoot out with police in a local hospital. While at Eastern State Blackie continued his troublemaking ways. For example, he stabbed a man to death while in prison. In 1929. When the stock market collapsed. Coincidence? I think not.

Regardless, I totally wanna tap that. He looks so rakishly charming. Stabbing inmates, robbing banks, ripping off your clothes and pleasuring you like you’ve never been pleasured before, all in a days work. Just doing my job, ma’am.

And Zupkoski? Name like that, it makes you wonder what else he can do with his tongue. You know? Yeah, you know.

J. Robert Oppenheimer, the most attractive scientist I’ve ever seen.
Not only did he apparently smoke a cigarette while looking at random photographers like he could make them moan with just the lustful intensity of his gaze, he was also a total badass. He went to Harvard, and then he went to Cambridge, where he doused an apple in toxic chemicals and left it on a desk for his lab tutor to munch on, and presumably die from. His tutor didn’t die (evidently not a fan of apples), but Jesus Christ. Talk about a bad boy. And then he like, invented the nuclear bomb and shit. I bet he could split your atoms all night. If you know what I mean. You’d be working with the force of nuclear explosions between the sheets.

J. Robert Oppenheimer, the most attractive scientist I’ve ever seen.

Not only did he apparently smoke a cigarette while looking at random photographers like he could make them moan with just the lustful intensity of his gaze, he was also a total badass. He went to Harvard, and then he went to Cambridge, where he doused an apple in toxic chemicals and left it on a desk for his lab tutor to munch on, and presumably die from. His tutor didn’t die (evidently not a fan of apples), but Jesus Christ. Talk about a bad boy. And then he like, invented the nuclear bomb and shit. I bet he could split your atoms all night. If you know what I mean. You’d be working with the force of nuclear explosions between the sheets.

The 20-year-old Johannes Brahms.
Mmmmmmmm. He played piano from a young age, and cello. He probably played piano in brothels in his teens. (That’s hot.) The story’s been disputed, but I choose to believe it. Also, he said that he would have given anything to have written Strauss’s Blue Danube waltz. And then they were BFFs for life. Can you say adorbs?? Anyway, if you’re listening, Brahmy Boy, I’ll Double your Concerto in A Minor anytime.

The 20-year-old Johannes Brahms.

Mmmmmmmm. He played piano from a young age, and cello. He probably played piano in brothels in his teens. (That’s hot.) The story’s been disputed, but I choose to believe it. Also, he said that he would have given anything to have written Strauss’s Blue Danube waltz. And then they were BFFs for life. Can you say adorbs?? Anyway, if you’re listening, Brahmy Boy, I’ll Double your Concerto in A Minor anytime.

This is Henri III, King of France. All sorts of debonair.
His mom called him “Chers Yeux,” which is both deeply disturbing and strangely erotic. And nine, he was all cute and rebellious and decided he was a Protestant. His parents were pissed. Also, everyone thought he was gay, because he didn’t like war and hunting (Say it with me: “Awwwwww!”), but he probably wasn’t maybe. Who knows. Spot The Gay World Ruler is every historian’s favorite game. He probably liked women too, at least. But best of all, he just loved silly hats.

This is Henri III, King of France. All sorts of debonair.

His mom called him “Chers Yeux,” which is both deeply disturbing and strangely erotic. And nine, he was all cute and rebellious and decided he was a Protestant. His parents were pissed. Also, everyone thought he was gay, because he didn’t like war and hunting (Say it with me: “Awwwwww!”), but he probably wasn’t maybe. Who knows. Spot The Gay World Ruler is every historian’s favorite game. He probably liked women too, at least. But best of all, he just loved silly hats.